A hundred miles down the road, someone in my path had offended me and I was unloading — not on my offender, but on my wife.
I poured out all the reasons why my offender was so wrong and I was so right. As Pamela and I traveled home from an out-of-town wedding, I took advantage of the captive audience and rehearsed the things I really wanted to say to someone else; someone who had done something I found personally offensive.
Suddenly, the playlist on our radio advanced to a new song — “The Prodigal Suite” by songwriter-musician Keith Green. While Pamela endeavored to give me an empathic hearing, my six-year-old daughter, Kristin, interrupted my rantings with a simple question: “Daddy, what’s that song about?” Ceasing my speech but for the moment, I obligingly shared the high points of the famed parable so well captured by the late musician’s symphonic masterpiece; one of my all-time favorites.
Amidst my storytelling or retracing of the son’s path to redemption, something happened; something unexpected and unsolicited. It started to sting; the truth, that is. Sharing this familiar, but most amazing, parable with my little girl caused me to sense just how unforgiving my words and tone were undoubtedly sounding to her young ears. Conviction heightened, but there was just one problem:
Sometimes I just don’t feel like forgiving.
‘Ever felt that way?
It comes in those times when someone has done or said something unkind, uncouth or unwise. You find yourself frustrated and angry. Your soul feels stung, scorched, even stunned. In those times, the mental scripts shout:
“I can’t believe she just said that to me! … Again!”
“Where does he get off acting that way?”
“I just want to hit them back … even harder than they hit me!”
The toughest thing about forgiveness is what proceeds it — the BIG HURT. It comes from something someone says, does, or doesn’t say. It strikes a blow that can leave us feeling:
Somehow the hurts in our hearts reshape the thoughts in our minds. Hurtful thoughts. Hurtful feelings. They feed each other.
Mental Roadblocks to Forgiveness
One of the most familiar quotes about forgiveness was written by the 18th Century English poet, Alexander Pope: “To ere is human; to forgive, divine.” Forgiving does at times seem downright super-human; beyond our natural inclinations. Yet while we contemplate forgiveness, our minds often fill with opposing thoughts:
“Isn’t forgiveness just endorsing their behavior?”
“Won’t forgiveness give them an upper hand over me?”
“Do they really deserve my forgiveness?”
But just what do we mean by the word “forgiveness”?
What Forgiveness Is … and Is Not
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator,” says Mike Snodgrass, an Emerge counselor, “but it has everything to do with the victim. It can be given whether the perpetrator has asked for it or not.”
This act of forgiving, then, is not just a feeling we strive towards, but a type of giving – a gift, a gift of grace. It has little to do with our feelings and much to do with our faith. To take that step of faith, it helps to consider what Biblical forgiveness is and is not.
FORGIVENESS IS NOT
• Figuring it all out.
• Dependent on the other person’s apology.
• Condoning the offender’s sin or sinful behavior.
• A place for grace to go to work … in us.
• A gracious mindset.
• About our hearts; not just someone else’s behavior.
The Next Time You Don’t Feel Like Forgiving
The person who waits until they “feel” like forgiving is in for a long ordeal. Forgiveness is a decision born out of a heart and mind dependent upon God, his Word, his Ways and his Will. So, the next time you are hit with a big HURT …
1. Remember to name the offense; call it what it is.
“Forgiveness means confession first,” says Tish Granville, an Emerge counselor. “You cannot forgive what you don’t name or confess, so name the harm. Name what happened accurately and descriptively.” Until you call it clearly, it will be tough to grieve it honestly.
2. Remember that forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s a decision. It is not a matter of emotion first and foremost, but one of will and of choice.
When we forgive, we are being “empowered through the Holy Spirit to realize our need for forgiveness and the great act of forgiveness on the cross,” says Emerge counselor Claire Gau. We don’t wait for the offender to apologize in order to forgive, but remember that Jesus forgave us and died for our sins even “while we were yet sinners.”
3. Remember forgiv-en people are forgiv-ing people.
“Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget,” says Emerge counselor Maribeth Lieberth, “but that you no longer hold them accountable for what they did. You know longer expect any response, repayment, or obligation from the other person. You give them grace for your sake and theirs.” When you have tasted forgiveness in your own life, it shows. Jesus said that the one who has been forgiven much, loves much (Luke 7:36-50).
The Road to Forgiveness
My road trip that day with my wife and daughter started out as a journey of bitterness. While I fired away with all the reasons I was so right and my offender was so wrong, my unforgiveness was suddenly interrupted by a simple question:
“What’s that song about, Daddy?”
“Forgiveness, sweetheart. That’s what it’s about.”
Once again the words of Jesus had calmed a storm, this time one within me — a storm of offense. The honest question of a child renewed my mind with a familiar story from the Savior. That truth in my head rekindled a grace in my heart and my defenses dropped.
Ultimately God was not asking me to feel like forgiving.
He was asking me to forgive.
Dr. Robert C. Crosby
President / CEO
Dr. Crosby is the President/CEO of Emerge Counseling Ministries. Prior to this role, he has served as the Vice President of Southeastern University and as Professor of Practical Theology in the Barnett College of Ministry & Theology. He holds a doctoral degree from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and a PhD from Regent University.
Dr. Crosby and his wife, Pamela, are the co-founders of Teaming Life, an organization that equips couples and families to thrive. Their newest book together is The Will of a Man & The Way of a Woman: Balancing & Blending Together. They conduct services, seminars, and conferences on topics related to pastoral health, wellness, marriage, and team-building.